Loose Ends
by Kraven Ergeist
Summary: Just tying up some loose ends after the end of the series.
1. Prologue

**Excel Saga Fan Fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Prologue

Nabeshin and his newly wed wife, Misaki were enjoying a pleasurable vacation, first on a cruise liner, then on an Appalachian Ski Slope, and finally, a trip to Disneyland, Tokyo. One evening, in a fine hotel, they were about to retire to the bedchamber, when the doors burst open. It was Koshi Rikudo!

"Rikudo!" Nabeshin yelled. "Don't you ever give up!"

Rikudo pointed his finger. "I have yet to deem this episode worthy. So if you wish to continue, you'll have to face me!"

Nabeshin whipped off his formal garbs and into his trademark checker jacket and rushed the author. "I'll take you down, Rikudo!" Nabeshin yelled.

"Not before I take you down!" Rikudo yelled.

Nabeshin prepared an energy attack. "Na-Be-Ha-Me-Ha!"

Rikudo prepared another, much more lengthy attack.

"I, Rikudo Koshi hereby allow this episode of Excel Saga to be a sequel, well, not so much a sequel, but a comic insertion that attributes to all of the characters who never received proper homage and/or tribute." -- all said in Japanese.

The longer of the attacks (In accordance with the 5 law of anime that the power of any given attack is proportionally powerful with the length of its name) won the day, as Nebashin took the full force the lame attack. "What kind of attack is that?" Nabeshin cried, as he flew backward, with the stamp for Koshi Rikudo on his cheek.

Rikudo crossed his arms. "A-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! Victory!" and he held up two fingers.

"Baka," Misaki commented, knocking his lights out.

Ok, so the intro was just like the prologue to an episode. Seem simple enough to follow. I tried to include some randomness in the writing style, as well as the character's action, because you loose some of the rapidity from reading instead o watching. So, to make up for this, I wrote the fic to be entertaining to read as well.

Hope you like it! Read on and review.

I'm out.


	2. Chapter One

**Excel Saga Fan Fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Ok, first chapter. I've saideverything I need to say in the intro. Oh, and I don't own Excel Saga, Rikudo Koshi does, and I'm not even sure about that anymore after watching the series.

Chapter One: Il Palazzo's Joke

It was yet another morning in F-Prefecture in F-City, but not all was normal for Il Palazzo. Yes, he still ran one of the largest underground organizations imaginable, with which came such a power that no mortal man should be given control of said organization, but it was unclear as of yet that Il Palazzo was mortal at all, so we shall carry on.

Reflecting on all the people involved with The Ideal Organization of Across, including his most trusted executive Excel (Who had gone away on leave of absence); he began to contemplate the meaning of his position. True, F-City indeed the entire world was in a sate of turmoil, despite having all of the sudden recovered from its Post – Apocalyptic – Fist-of-the-North-Star – Rip-Off state of being, however, having turned the other cheek on his desire to conquer the world, Il Palazzo came to a new idea.

"Excel! Hyatt!" he summoned.

Immediately, he was graced with the two girls presence.

"Hail! Il Palazzo!" came the otherworldly cry from Excel.

"-Zzo!" which was all Hyatt managed to squeak out.

Il Palazzo looked at them curiously. "Excel. I thought you were away on absence."

"Master Il Palazzo, surely you know that your needs is undyingly more important than my own. All you have to do is call my name, and I shall go to the ends of the world with you."

Il Palazzo thought about that for a moment. An idea popped into his head.

"Hyatt. Wait right there for a moment," Palazzo commanded.

With a blank stare and blood trickling from her mouth, Hyatt replied, "Yes sir."

Il Palazzo pulled a rope from the ceiling. Excel cringed, waiting for her death-defying fall, from which she seemed to suffer no injury at all during the expanse of times she had taken the tumble. But he trap door never opened. Instead, using technologically superior technology provided by Across®, Il Palazzo instantly teleported to a scorching dessert in Cairo, Egypt, his throne included. Surrounded by gawking stares, all of which he ignored, he cried out the one name: "Excel!"

Excel, still standing confused before the location Il Palazzo had been three seconds prior, found herself suffering from a seizure, followed by an uncontrollable sprint at an ungodly speed over hills and underwater, until she found herself facing Il Palazzo all the way in Egypt with a smile on her face. "Hail! Il Palazzo!"

To which the citizens gave more confused stares.

Il Palazzo snickered, pulling the trademark rope, which was seemingly held up by some unseen force attached to an unseen chain of switches and levers.

"Where did that rope come from?" Excel asked, dejectedly.

No answer came, as Il Palazzo disappeared once more, appearing this time in Moscow, Russia.

Excel, still in Cairo, whom had apparently not caught onto her master's scheme, huffed a small "Huh?" before finding herself seized again once more by Il Palazzo's call. "Excel!"

Her eyes losing tint, her hair radiating with electricity, Excel broke the land speed record, making her way all the way to Moscow, saluting her master with a "Hail! Il Palazzo!"

Moments later, she began to shiver. Did we mention there was a blizzard?

Excel was totally oblivious as Il Palazzo yet again pulled his rope from another nonexistent ceiling from which attached ropes such as this, and activated the Across® teleporter, which happened to be miles away, yet again, sending him and his chair the Amazon Rainforest in Brazil.

An incisively large sweat drop appeared above Excel's brow as she muttered, "Um…master?"

Heartlessly, Palazzo uttered her name again. "Excel!"

Excel spasmed and tornadoed over the ocean and into the rainforest and stood before Il Palazzo on his throne. "Hail! Il Palazzo!"

Soon afterward, a large python started coiling around Excel and swept her into the air.

As Excel screamed out in terror, Il Palazzo contemplated this new method of toiling with Excel. "Not as enjoyable as dropping her in the pit, but fun nevertheless. Perhaps I should do this more often."

"Um…master?" asked Hyatt, who had miraculously appeared before him. "I think Senpai is in a bit of trouble."

Eying Excel struggling in the grasps of the giant snake (And by struggling, we mean 'halfway down it's throat') for less than a second, Palazzo shook his head. "No need to worry. She can handle herself. That girl has a very strong will to live."

Hyatt nodded. "Yeah…"

Il Palazzo sat back. "Now, then, back to business. As you know, Across has gone through some changes. And after much contemplation, I have decided to…"

He paused, noticing that Hyatt had spontaneously died as only she could do.

"Hey!" Il Palazzo yelled. "You can die _after _I've given my speech."

Hyatt revived and regained her footing. "Yes sir…"

"Anyhow, after much contemplation, I have decided to change the way we do things here at Across. I have made the decision that we at Across do not have the right to overthrow the government in place at this time. However, since I still strongly believe that this world we live in is in a state of turmoil, I see it as the responsibility of Across to right the plentiful wrongs in this city."

Hyatt raised her hand. "Um…does this mean that you will be joining forces with mayor Kababu?"

Il Palazzo shook his head. "No. Though our views are the same, I must continue to run Across as a lone operation."

Hyatt nodded, understanding. "Yes sir."

"Did you hear me, Excel?" Palazzo called out.

"Yes!" Excel cried form within the belly of the snake, a significant lump sprouting from where she raised her hand. "As I fought for my very life against this vicious snake, borne from a forest which you took entertainment in transporting yourself to and beckoning me to come to on foot, I was listening to everything you said, Master!"

Annoyed, Il Palazzo pulled a rope, which magically appeared out of thin air, and did not in any way seem to be attached to any trees or vines, but rather, rooted by some nonexistent form of intricate switches and levers back to Across headquarter in F City, and a trapdoor appeared below Excel, in which she (And the snake) fell.

"Ahh!" Excel screamed, still confined within the bowels of the snake. "Where did this trapdoor come from!"

As you can see, the fic is proceeding about as much as the anime usually does. That's what I tried to bring out here. The next chapter is where the plot, if you want to call it that, is laid out.

Read and Review.

I'm out.


	3. Chapter Two

**Excel Saga Fan Fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Chapter Two, the plot is laid out, and the mission, which I cleverly named 666,666, will be started. Any questions? Oh, yeah, I don't own Excel Saga. And neither does Rikudo Koshi. At least, not any more.

Chapter Two: Mission number 666,666

"Hail! Il Palazzo!" Excel screamed, still within the belly of the snake that had snatched her up in an earlier chapter.

"-Zzo!" Hyatt added, her voice cracking.

"Welcome Neo-Across executives!" Il Palazzo boomed, arms spread wide.

"Huh!" Excel questioned. "Neo-Across? What's that?" Excel started spontaneously leaping around Il Palazzo (Although how she did this within a snake is unknown) chanting, "Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"

"Neo-Across!" Palazzo repeated. "The _New_ Ideal Organization, Across." Aside, he said, "As an acronym, it was _NIO_-ACROSS, for New Ideal Organization, but we're calling it _NEO_ for aesthetic purposes."

Excel nodded. "Nice, Il Palazzo! True genius that could only come from a grand leader such as you!"

Hyatt smiled, falling to the floor. "Yes indeed…"

Il Palazzo frowned. "Excel, would you mind resuscitating her?"

Excel suddenly gaped, as she saw Hyatt. "Ha-chan! Come on, we still have to listen to Il Palazzo's orders!"

Hyatt regained her footing, with a trickle of blood pouring form her nose. "Yes…"

Il Palazzo cleared his throat. "Your first order of business is the following: Track down all cast members in the show that did not receive full homage during the closing of the series."

Excel scratched her head. "Um…what is the purpose of this?"

Il Palazzo frowned. "Don't you wish for the ideals of Neo-Across to spread across all the cast members of the show?"

Excel saluted. "Righty-o! I'll get right to it!"

Hyatt saluted as well. "Me too…"

Il Palazzo smiled. "Very good. Then we begin operation 666,666!"

Walking about the streets of F-Prefecture, F-City, Excel (Still inside the belly of the snake) and Hyatt went about their work.

"So who does it say we need to greet first?"

Excel glanced at the list. Or rather, the snake protruded lumps around it sides in the remarkable shape of Excel's hands, as another shape emerged from the snake's neck in the remarkable shape of Excel's head, glanced at the sheet. "Ok, let's see…the members of the public rangers (minus Misaki Matsuya)? Who the heck are they!"

Hyatt looked dreamily. "I believe that they are those guys who live in our apartment, Watanabe, Sumiyoshi, and Iwata, as well as the two Roppenmatsu robots."

Excel furrowed her brow. "Roppenmatsu? I thought they died!"

Hyatt blinked. "Um…they're robots, so they don't really die. Besides, Kababu and Shinoji created backup copies of them, which although they are different beings have essentially the same personalities, so that the show can kill them as often as it likes and have them come back to life. Besides, the Supreme Will of the Universe willed all the good guys back to life after Across declined control of the world. And furthermore…urp!"

Hyatt became stricken with another spell of blood, loss of consciousness, and/or death and fell to the ground.

"And furthermore what?" Excel said, oblivious to her companion's suffering. Kind of happens when you're confined to a snake's belly.

Hyatt, bleeding on the ground, sort of murmured. "I can't seem to go on…"

Excel ignored her and glanced over the list. "Lessee…People who haven't received proper homage…"

Scenes started appearing in order of Excels narration.

"The Pension Guy…we never really got his name… The green and Yellow Haired Butler, And those Puchu-Mobile Suit Gundam character rip-offs. Sheesh"

The man from the mountains who shot his friend in the army stood on a snowy field waving. The Yellow and Green haired butler appeared on a Puchu space ship, waving. And also, on the Puchu ship, Puchu-Amuro et al appeared, waving.

"Todo Pudding-chan, and the thieves who appeared in episode 12," Excel read.

The secret agent girl stood in her office, waving, with the two criminals, bound in ropes, also waving.

"Ann Anzai of the Alps foundation and Menchi's old man?"

The said people waved from the middle of the woods, with Menchi waving from beneath, when Excel jumped in on the scene. "Wait a minute! When did they ever appear in the show?"

Rikudo laughed, privately. "Oh, that's right, you never found out about them."

Excel sighed, going back to her list, with Hyatt attempting to stand and falling on her face, which suddenly started bleeding, profusely.

"Strike Snake, the Ball and Pins groups, and Fake Excel and Hyatt from Bowling Musume…"

The Ball and Pin gang, along with Strike Snake stood in the bowling alley, waving, with the Bowling Musume in the foreground. Snake looks at one of the Musume guys. "Hey, didn't I kill you in episode 9?"

The guy shrugged. "The supreme will of the universe brought me back to life."

The fake Excel and Hyatt began doing their routine, until…

"Wait a minute!" screamed Excel (Still in her snake skin), literally grabbing the scene and pushing it aside. "Why should I pay respects to these riper-offers!"

Hyatt raised a finger. "Because the entire series is rip-off?"

Excel waved around. "And why are we attributing the Strike Snake? Wasn't he a bad guy?"

Hyatt cocked her head. "I believe Il Palazzo took him to be 'kinda cool.'"

Excel sprung up. "Well, in _that_ case…" Sighing, she said, "Fine…and, uh, Binbo and Esop from the Inunabe high school baseball team."

The scene changed to the team striking a pose, with the long-haired (And I mean really long-haired) Binbo on the pitcher's mound, with a hand waving from a nearby Porta-Jon.

Excel continued to read from inside the snake, now more or less dead or similar thereto. "Next we have Pad, Dominique, and Broccoli…hey, isn't Broccoli a bad guy?"

Rikudo Koshi inexplicably appeared inside the snakeskin. "Oh…sorry." He erased the name form the paper and was about to leave, when Excel made a belated suggestion.

"Hey, um, mister manga artist? Can I get out of this snake skin now?"

He snapped his fingers. "Sure thing."

The scene flipped, and Excel was now standing reading the list with Hyatt long since dead on the ground beside her.

"Ok, Pad and Dominique from the Post – Apocalyptic – Trigun – Rip-Off World. Oh, so they're still around?"

As if to answer, the scene flipped, and Pad and Dominic were waving in the dessert.

Excel appeared nearby. "Um…why are you still inhabiting this morbid pit of death and destruction?"

Pad got all teary-eyes and kneeled before her. "Morbid pit of death and destruction? You're talking about my home!"

Excel scratched her head. "Yeah, but I thought the city restored itself."

Pad shrugged. "Oh, that wasn't the city you were in. It was just a little segment of the Sahara Desert where a lot of unfinished construction took place."

Excel shrugged, back on the road. "Whatever…ok, um… Oh boy!" Excel rubbed her eyes to make sure she was not dreaming. "We get to see _him_ again!"

Hyatt sort of withered up to see. "Who?"

Excel took a flying leap, her eyes suddenly becoming hearts. "Rock God Key!"

The scene changed to a rock and roll stage, as über-bishonen Key, in full leather strap attire blew a kiss, as several thousands of girls died from lust.

Excel sort of swooned as Hyatt read off the list. "And aside from the Public Rangers (Minus Misaki) and Kubaba, there's no one else to commend."

The scene changed to a puchu ship where all the other puchus lived, as one hit another on the head with a hammer. The stricken puchu transformed into his ugly form, and said, "What about us?"

Il Palazzo, from his throne, grabbed a rope. "No one likes you. Go away."

He pulled the rope, and out of sheer defiance of normal laws of physics, a trap door appeared beneath the puchu ship, and it fell in.

"Ahh! Where's the trapdoor come from? And how can we be falling if there's no gravity in space?"

Back to Excel and Hyatt, they both resumed marching down the street. Well, Hyatt marched; Excel made her way down the street by performing a series of sideways leaps..

"Well, I think we've got everything covered," Excel decided. "Let's go out and do the deed."

Hyatt nodded. "Are you sure we didn't miss anyone?"

The scene changed to the woods where the American soldiers captured Excel. "Hey, what about us?"

Excel leapt in and kicked them all in the butts. "You guys were practically bad guys, so no praise for you!"

They all wailed an apology before Excel landed back in the street. "Right. Let's get going."

She took about here steps before halting.

"What is it, senpai?" Hyatt asked.

"Umm…" she muttered. Swinging around, she put her hands to her face like a baby. "I don't know where any of these people are."

Il Palazzo slapped his face. "Ugh!"

As you can see by now, everything is going as smoothly as you'd expect from Excel Saga. At least, that's what I think. But come on, this is Excel Saga we're talking about. Limits? Rules? What do these foreign words mean, strange traveler?

Read and Review

I'm out.


	4. Chapter Three

**Excel Saga Fan fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Once again, I don't own Excel, and neither does Koshi at this point. '

Chapter Three: Gundam Puchu and Todo-Pudding-chan

Puchu - Maetel and the Mobile Suit Gundam Puchu's were busying themselves blasting the living shit out of some out of the way enemy ship shaped like a star.

"We shall not defeated!" cried the commander of the Out Of The Way ship.

"But sir, we have taken far too much damage!" declared the identical first officer.

"And our fuel and ammunition is running dangerously low!" cried the second officer, also perfectly identical.

Have I mentioned that the animator got lazy and made them all the same?

"But they're clones!" cried the animator. "Honest! It says so in the script!"

He pointed to a script, which was blatantly edited using red marker.

Nabeshin popped up in the animator office and gave him a knuckle grind to the head. "Baka! That's not in the script!"

Back to the Gundam Puchu's and the out of the way ship.

"Regardless!" cried the commander of the Out Of The Way ship. "The Out Of The Way ship has never been defeated! We represent the Such-And-Such nation on planet So-Forth, located in the So-On region of the universe! We must stand for the glory of King What's-His-Face and all his Unanimous servants!"

The first and third commander saluted before whispering to each other. "Have you noticed we all look the same?"

The other nodded. "And how come no one in our allegiance has proper names and titles?"

The other shrugged. "Probably because we're going to be blown up within the next five seconds."

Meanwhile, on the Gundam Puchu ship, Puchu-Amuro shouted an order. "Fire main cannon that is unanimously saved until the very end, even though it could have been used outright to end the fight!"

With that, an absurdly enormous blast emits from the ship, disintegrating the Out Of The Way ship.

"Yay!" cried all the Mobile Suit Gundam rip-offs. "Another victory!"

Excel shrugged. "Well, it looks like there's nothing new there. Let's see how Space Butler and Pension Man are doing.

The Pension guy was sitting in the dining hall of the Puchu ship, sipping champagne, and being waited on by…Space Butler?

"Gah!" Space Butler cried. "I'm not THAT kind of Butler! You see this hair! This is the hair of an action hero, not some waiter on a Gundam rip-off ship!"

Pension Man just cooed. "Quiet. More Champagne, please."

Excel just sighed, wandering off. "What was the point of that? And where's Hyatt…?"

She noticed a bunch of Puchu's sticking Hyatt and a large bucket of ice, trying to preserve her.

"Gah!" Excel yammered. "Hyatt! How many time are you going to die? We've got a mission to take care of!"

Hyatt emerged from the bucket of ice, startling the Puchu's around her into their ugly forms. "Yes, senpai!"

Taking an escape pod, they made their way back to the planet. The pod crash-landed in the middle of an office building. Excel and Hyatt emerged amongst a crowd of bewildered onlookers in the office, until the inspector came running.

"Excuse me! Pardon me! Out of the way! MOVE!" Came the unmistakably enthusiastic voice of Todo-Pudding-chan, as the blue haired detective came rushing to the scene.

"Hmm…" she mumbled, eying Excel and Hyatt emerging from the pod. "What an interesting piece of evidence…"

Excel scratched her head. "Wha? Evidence?"

Excel was suddenly taken off track, when Pudding-chan picked her up with her fingers, as though handling a piece of tissue paper, and inspected her with a magnifying glass. "Hm…an interesting texture, but I can't place the origin. Somewhere from the south of Japan, perhaps…"

Excel flailed out of her grasp. "I'm not evidence! I'm a member of Across, Excel!"

Todo continued prodding her, causing Excel convulse at the ticklish sensations. "OH! Hey, don't poke me there! Ow, that tickles! Hey, your not supposed to touch me there!"

Pudding-chan just ignored her and eyed the second damsel in the pod. "Good god, we have a murder case on our hand! Call an ambulance! This lady needs to be diagnosed by professionals!"

Excel shrugged her off. "Oh, Hyatt's not dead. She reanimates pretty well. Come on, Hyatt, we've arrived."

Hyatt stood up, much to Pudding's chagrin. "Dear lord, we've got a zombie case on our hands!"

Excel shook her head. "Gah! Hyatt's not a zombie, she's…"

Excel, however, saw how corpse-like Hyatt was the moment and changed her mind. "Then again, she does kinda look like a zombie, but that's not the point!"

By then, the doctor arrived, his nurse by his side (Yes, the same doctor and nurse that took in Hyatt on several occasions. Whoops, kinda forgot to mention them in the previous chapter. ')

"We're here! Where's the victim…guh…" the team began, before laying eyes on Hyatt and Excel. Pointing their fingers, they stammered. "It's…it's…you…"

They both ran, yelling and screaming, leaving Todo-Pudding-chan to wonder what was going on.

"Let me explain things," Excel said, leader-like as she was. "We're Excel and Hyatt, the stars of the show, and we're here to reconcile the minor characters of the show who never received proper tribute at the end of the show. So tell me, what's become of you? And while you're at it, who the heck are you? I don't think we've met."

Il Palazzo sighed from within the confines of Across. "For the last time, Excel, you may not have met these people in the show, but they did in fact appear."

"Hail Il Palazzo!" Excel yammered instinctively in response.

"Uh, who are you talking to?" Pudding asked, as Excel was pledging allegiance to a cubicle with a Menchi calendar tacked to the side.

Hyatt scratched her chin. "Uh…the forth wall?"

Excel shook her head. "Never mind! Never mind! So what do you do here anyway?"

Pudding-chan smiled. "Oh, I work in this office building as a private eye."

Excel nodded and looked at a clipboard in her hand. "Yes, yes, and…what ever became of your father's hat?"

As Todo began explaining how she could finally let it go, Excel read over the clipboard, which held the script to the show on it. "What? A hat? What does that have to do with anything?"

"…And that's why I don't need to where my father's dear hunting cap anymore!"

Hyatt clapped her hands. "What a tearful moving story, Todo-Pudding-chan!"

Excel spun herself back at attention. "What? I missed it! Tell us again!"

Nabeshin dropped in, shaking his head. "Sorry, sorry, we're running short on time! It's time to pay our respects to the next characters."

Excel waved her arms as Nabeshin carried her away. "But I wanna hear her story! I never got to meet her in the series!"

Hyatt bowed politely and followed Nabeshin, as they made their way to the next line of characters.

Next on the list: Menchi's crew, and the bowling Musume characters.

A/N: I thought Todo-Pudding-chan was a cool character that deserved more credit than she got. She should have been made a member of the Public Rangers, for Christ's sake. Also, does anyone know if Pad is a Boy or a Girl? Me and my friends still can't figure it out (It's kind of important in an upcoming chapter)


	5. Chapter Four

**Excel Saga Fan fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Rikudo Koshi: "I own Excel Saga and you don't! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Il Palazzo: (Shoots him) "Now, Excel Saga is property of Neo-Across."

Kraven: Is actually the president of Across: "Why thank you, Il Palazzo."

Il Palazzo: "What? Hey."

Kraven: "Let's just say that nobody owns it at this point."

Chapter Four: Menchi's Old Man vs. the Bowling Musume

"Why are we going here again?" Excel whined, as she and Hyatt made their way to the bowling alley whence they appeared in episode 7.

Excel received no answer, seeing as though Hyatt was phasing in and out of life, death, and various stages of comatose and catatonic states, while at the same time, managing to keep up with her by dragging her own corpse along with her senior.

Upon entering, they saw the Bowling Musume was just setting up, however, minus a particular pair of crewmembers.

"Hey, you two main characters there!" shouted the very homosexual looking manager. "You too look exactly like our actresses who play Excel and Hyatt in our production! You two are perfect for the job!"

Excel glared and snorted. "We ARE Excel and Hyatt! Now you better give me a good stinking reason WHY we came all the way back here just to pay respects to YOUR measly posterior!"

The manager sweat dropped. "Oh, fear not, young lady. We have made several developments. In fact, our show has become increasingly popular among the youngsters of F Prefect in F City. In fact, we became so successful, that we moved into this bowling alley permanently!"

Excel sort of stammered. "But…but…how…how could a BOWLING show become popular? And one as lousy as this one!"

Deep within Across, Il Palazzo quickly switched off the TV, which was playing reruns of Bowling Musume.

"Whoops," he muttered.

Back at the alley, the director shrugged. "After the first recording of the invasion of the Ball and Pins group, we got calls off the hook, requesting more! After that, we offered the gang a contract, and they gladly accepted our request!"

Excel scratched her head. "But didn't they hold you hostage last time?"

The director shook his head. "Oh, yes, but we were able to see over our differences in this matter. In fact, here comes the star as we speak!"

Excel gulped as she turned around to face the gang leader, Strike Snake. "Um…hiya…uh…uh…"

Snake smiled. "Well, if it isn't the little girl who beat me last time. Care for a rematch?"

Excel cringed, as she nervously poked her fingers together. "Um…well, firstly, could you tell us why you decided to work here?"

Snake spread his arms wide. "When the offer was made to my gang to bowl for money, how could we turn it down?"

Excel scratched her head. "But why not just bowl professionally from the start? Why did you start a gang?"

Snake sat down, with an Earth rumbling shake. "We tried out to get onto many professional teams, but the way we bowl was unapproved by the authorities. So we started a gang to bowl the way WE want to bowl."

Excel nodded. "Violently?"

"TACTFULLY!" Snake yelled, spit flying every, sending Excel hurdling backward. "More tactfully than anyone we've ever faced. Except for you. But these guys at the bowling Musume, despite being total WIMPS!…" he glared at the director, who just cringed. "…Actually have an appreciation for the way we bowl."

Excel nodded. "Ok, then. I guess that makes sense."

Snake rubbed his hands together. "Anyway, now that that's over…why not start today's feature of Bowling Musume off with an encore presentation of "The Balls and Pins Gang Versus Team Across!" Let's get it on!" (A/N – Try to imagine this guy yelling this cognate in Japanese. ')

"Righty-o!" the directed shouted, gesturing to the cameraman. "But, first, we need Excel and Hyatt to fill in for our missing actresses!"

As Excel and Hyatt stepped into position, Excel scratched her head. "What ever happened to the fake Excel and Hyatt anyhow?"

As though to answer her question, the scene flipped from the bowling alley to a fast food restaurant, featuring the fake Excel and Hyatt flipping burgers. "Good morning!" They said in unison. "May we take your order?"

The real Excel laughed so hard, she fell over. "Oh-ho-ho! It serves them right for that! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Hyatt tapped her on the shoulder. "Um, Excel, the tape is rolling."

Instantly, Excel and Hyatt began singing "Loyalty in the name of Love." Excel, however, was upside down for the first line. At the second line, she righted herself, only to have Hyatt fall over in a catatonic seizure. On the third line, Excel took note and again returned to the floor to resuscitate her, only to have Hyatt snap back to her feet, resulting in a neat flipping effect that worked in real harmoniously to the music.

"Beautiful! Beautiful!" the director screamed. "I love your ingenuity, ladies! The job is yours!"

Excel managed to mutter a meek, "We already have a job," before an unfamiliar voice rang through the alley.

"Move over, guys!" A young woman screamed. "From Iron and Steel to Yakisoba, the guardian of the family! The Alps Foundation that's there behind you when you reach to scratch an itch! Alps! Alps! Alps for you!"

The young blonde stood before the Musume with a victory sign in hand. "Ann Anzai's coming through!"

As the Bowling Musume and the B&P gang stared in bewilderment, Excel just sort of stared. "Uh…who are you?"

Ann Anzai sighed, harshly. "Must I go through that whole introduction again?"

Excel held up her hands. "Um, no, no, that's fine!"

Ann huffed. "That's good. Anyhow, I decide to go bowling one day, and who should I run into?"

Excel spread her arms, eager for praise. "The bold and beautiful Excel?"

Ann smiled. "Heck no. Look behind you!"

Excel turned her head to see Menchi waving her paw. It was apparent, however, that she was previously engaged in the task of devouring some stale popcorn.

"Menchi!" Excel shouted. "When did you get here?"

Menchi barked her answer.

"Uhh…" Excel scratched her head. "It makes me wish I could understand you."

Ann stepped over to her and picked her up. "Menchi and I had quite an adventure together. We voyaged across the world in eighty hours, and even fought a villainous-"

KABOOM!

Speaking of the devil, who should show up, but - you guessed it - Menchi's Old Man, in a new and improved android body.

"At last!" he yelled. "I'm back to get you, my pretty. And your little dog too."

The Wicked Witch of the West made a sudden cameo appearance and stomped the Old Man in the head with her pointy black shoes. "Don't steal my line, you old twit."

"Sorry," the old man muttered, as the witch blew off.

(A/N: I know, Wizard of Oz is in no way related to Excel, but I just had to throw that in. ')

"Regardless, I have returned, as I said I would," the Old Man said. "And now it's time for you to pay a price for the hell that you put me through."

Before he could take another step, Strike Snake stomped his foot and shouted. "Now, wait a minute! Anyone thinking of fighting in MY bowling Alley has to fight by my rules! And I say that anyone who wants to settle a battle must do it in the typical bowling fashion!"

"Hold it! Hold it! HOLD it!" Excel screamed. "Will somebody PLEASE explain to me what is going on!"

Hyatt raised her finger. "It appears as though this lady, this old man and Menchi are familiar with one another."

Excel spun around in circles, as everyone kept their gaze on him. "How could Menchi know these people without me knowing about it? Why am I kept in ignorance about these things! Will someone please realize that I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE?"

Il Palazzo sighed from within Across HQ. "You leave me no choice, Excel," and he pulled the handle for the trapdoor. Prior to the occasion, Il Palazzo made a deal with the bowling alley to install a trap door. He had also consulted a number of clergy as to predict where Excel would be standing at the time.

"Wah!" Excel shouted as she fell. "Why does this always happen to me!"

By the time Excel returned to the scene, the bowling battle was well underway. Much like the bowling battle prior, the balls and pins, as well as the means of propelling said items, were extravagantly outrageous, as were the number of unavoidable casualties being simply ignored by the laws of physics in that particular bowling alley.

"Hm…" Excel muttered. "I must remember my training from Nabeshin."

Excel pondered for a moment, when something occurred to her. "Oh, yeah. He never actually trained me!"

Rolling up her sleeves, Excel spiraled up to the lane. "Well, then, I'll have to improvise! I beat this guy once before, and I can beat him again!"

Excel blasts Strike Snake's ball with her Nabeshin Bomb Ball.

"Yahoo!" Excel exclaimed. "Excel won!"

Hyatt tapped her shoulder. "Uh, senpai? Snake was on our team."

Excel face-faulted, as Snake walked away, withered. "She beat me again…"

The Old Man laughs. "Perfect! One down, the rest to go!"

Just then, the sound of barking sound be heard, as - bet you didn't guess this - Takahashi, and his team of Dogs, all with robotic life support and physical enhancement.

Meanwhile, Rikudo was trying and failing to wrestle his way into the animation studio where Nabeshin was writing this.

"That was never part of the script!" Rikudo exclaimed, within the grasp of Nabeshin's bouncers. "I want my lawyer! Stop that man!"

Takahashi, Kyoko, Drummer, and Professor all had biomechanical fittings a-la Alps foundations (Hey, they do everything, so why not robotic enhancements of their own to counter the Hounds' biomechanical productions?)

Menchi was beside herself with surprise as she yipped around her long lost friends in glee.

"What's this?" Excel demanded. "More of Menchi's friends that I don't know about? When are the mysteries going to end!"

Takahashi just grinned. "It's nice to see you too, Menchi!"

Kyoko winked. "How you doing, girlfriend?"

Professor crossed his arms. "I thought we were all done for, until the nice men from the Alps foundation found us and restored us. We have miss Anzai to thank for that!"

Anzai just grinned.

"Y…you!" The Old Man yelped. "You're come back to haunt me! You'll all die!" he yelled, as he whipped out twin cannons, and began firing multiple bowling balls out of each.

Takahashi leapt into the air. "No you don't!" and with his mechanical body, slapped each ball out of the air, Matrix style.

Professor whipped out a cannon of his own. "Liquid Nitrogen attack!"

The Old Man became frozen in a cube of ice.

Kyoko swung a flamethrower over her back and shouted, "Super Fireball attack!"

The ice melted, and the Old Man fell to the ground.

Drummer rushed the Old Man and yelled, "Some Super Duper Rock-Star Canine Attack!"

And The Old Man was blasted through the ceiling and into the air.

"Oh, this is great!" the director of Bowling Musume cried. "With this footage, our ratings will double at least! Our pay will go through the roof!"

His assistant looked up. "Speaking of going through the roof, we'll need it to, if we want to repair the damage to ours."

Hyatt stood in front of the camera. "Well, that's all the time we have tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Tune in next time, when we interview our next guest, mister – Urp!"

Next in line: the Inunabe Baseball Team and the Post – Apocalyptic – Fist-of-the-North-Star – Rip-Off characters.


	6. Chapter Five

**Excel Saga Fan fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Disclaimer: There is no disclaimer. Koshi Rikudo has given Excel Saga to ME! MUA-HA-HA-HA!

Excel looms over Kraven with huge sword

Eh-heh-heh…just kidding…

Chapter Five: Baseball Pad

"Take me out to the ball game!" Excel sang, as she and Hyatt walked smoothly to Inunabe for the big game. Well, Hyatt walked smoothly, Excel sort of wavered, with her arms over her head, one adorned in a big yellow finger, the other with a baseball flag with a dog paw imprint on it.

"Um…" Hyatt said, as weakly as only she could. "Where are we going?"

Excel tapped her on the shoulder with the yellow finger. "To see their game, of course! We both made Inunabe star athletes the last time we met them in episode 11. What better way to show their prowess to the audience then by attending one of their games?"

Little did Excel know that by striking Hyatt with the giant foam finger that could scarcely harm a fly, Hyatt received heavy trauma to the skull and died.

Excel looked back and gapped. "Hyatt! Now's no time to die!"

Hyatt lifted her head. "Then when would be a good time?"

Excel started to spasm. "What the hell! Do you WANT to die?"

Hyatt shrugged. "I have to problem with it."

Excel continued to spasm uncontrollably. "Good grief! Well you're not dying today! Right now, we're off to congratulate Esop and Binbo and the rest of the Inunabe tram!"

Hyatt glanced at the script. "But I thought this chapter, we were supposed to pay respects to both he Inunabe team as well as Pad and Dominic from the Post – Apocalyptic – Fist-of-the-North-Star – Rip – off – world."

Excel's face went deadpan. "Omigosh, you're right! I have no idea where those two are! Hyatt!" she yelled taking her by the shoulders, causing her to die once again, she exclaimed, "You go to the game and cheer them on. If they wimp out again, just offer them some tomato juice, and they will inexplicably follow your command – hey, are you listening?"

Corpses don't listen very often.

"Snap out of it!" Excel said, snapping her fingers in front of her face. "Honestly, Hyatt. Anyway, you go to the game and I'll go find Pad and Dominic before the chapter ends. Get it? Got it? Good! Bye!""

"Um…Senpai?" Hyatt said, meekly.

But Excel was long gone. The girl could run.

"Um…" Hyatt pointed at the field. There, on the bleachers, was Dominic and Pad. It was the Inunabe team that was nowhere to be found.

"Gosh…" Hyatt muttered to herself. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Pad!" Excel called out. "Dominic! Pad! Where are you?"

Considering that she was searching through a tropical paradise, her chances of finding them were slim. Given that the objects of her search were already at the baseball file where she was recruiting them to, her chances of finding them were none.

"Hmm…" she mused. "Lessee…they weren't at that Post – Apocalyptic – Fist-of-the-North-Star – Rip – off – world…"

As Excel spoke, young teenage boys were running around the beach.

"…They weren't at the hotel, they weren't at the in the woods, they weren't…"

More teens are seen, playing volleyball, surfing the waves…

"…In the sewers, they weren't on the moon, they weren't…"

…Building sandcastles…having fights…molesting women in bikinis…

"…They weren't – oof!" Excel was violently interrupted as a long yellow oblong sponge-like object impacted her suddenly, knocking her to the ground.

"Uh-oh…my bad, pretty lady," came the reply of a familiar voice.

Excel was up in a heartbeat. "Binbo?"

The long yellow oblong sponge like object happened to be Binbo's hair, long and blonde as ever, which had practically nailed her to the sand when he rolled over in his sleep.

"It _is_ you!" Excel cried out, running toward him.

Binbo lowered his sunglasses. Catching sight of her, he recognized her in an instant and sprung to his feet.

"E-chan! You've come back to me!"

A pink flowery backdrop emerged as Binbo Yukari rushed over to her and wrapped his arms around her. Excel followed up swiftly with a left hook to the jaw.

"Whaddya think you're doin', ya hentai?" she said in a peeved tone.

"Sorry," Binbo said from his vantage point under her fist. Obviously, he thought that his precious E-chan had returned to offer him his heart (Now that he was no longer rich, he hadn't had a woman in years,) and had acted too swiftly. But enough of that.

"What are you and the team doing here?"

Binbo shrugged. "Taking the day off!"

Excel started spazzing out. "But you've got a game in five minutes! We came here to cheer you on!"

Yukari shook his head. "Oh, no need to worry. These two guys…well, a guy and girl…or was it…at least, I think that little guy was a guy…was he a girl?"

"Spit it out!" Excel yelled.

"Sorry!" Binbo replied, hastily. "Anyway, these two people offered to play for us. And since the Inunabe team has been playing none stop since you left, we've been hard pressed for a vacation."

"Did these two people give you their names?" Excel asked, suspiciously

Binbo nodded. "Funny you should mention that. They said you might show up looking for us. They said their names were Pad and Dominic."

Excel spazzed out yet again. "Pad and Dominic!"

"Go team!" yelled Hyatt. "Go team! Yay!"

Not only were Pad and Dominic participating, but they also brought along Broccoli-puni and a few of the "Dumb Commoners" from the Post – Apocalyptic – Fist-of-the-North-Star – Rip – off – world, with puni as the pitcher.

"Ultra – cutesy – bishojo – charat – pitch – puni!" Puni cried, as he – at least, I think it's still a he – made the pitch.

The elephant – yes an elephant – at bat made three feeble attempts to hit the ball.

While Hyatt cheered him on, some of the other team members began to complain. "Why do we have to play this dopey baseball game?"

Hyatt considered for a moment. "Um…problem…what did senpai say to do when there was a problem…oh yeah!"

Whipping out a glass of red fluid, she held it out to the players. "Have some tomato juice."

Instantly, for no reason whatsoever, all the members of the team bowed to the ground (And I do mean all of them – one of them missed a pop fly, and several players on the opposing team stole home). "We'll do anything you tell us, ma'am!"

The team got back to work, as Hyatt continued to cheer them on.

That's when Excel arrived. "Hyatt! You're still here! What's going on?"

Hyatt gestured to the field. "Pad, Dominic, Broccoli-puni and the "Dumb Commoners" are all playing for our team against the Zonabe team."

(A/N: "Zo" is Japanese for Elephant)

Excel was confused twice over. "Broccoli-puni? But I thought they were the bad guys!"

"Not true – puni!" Puni cried, abandoning his post on the pitcher's mound, letting several more elephants steal home. "We signed an official contract after Kababu defeated Across, and we are now officially members of Good Guys inc. – puni!"

Excel stared at him for a while. "Did I turn you into a 28 cuter teddy bear?"

Puni just shrugged. "Yeah, well thankfully, it wore off - puni. And my doctor says my puni status will wear off after a few years too - puni. So I'm killing time, playing baseball - puni."

Excel scratched her head. "Alright…and what about the elephants?"

"I'll take that question," Binbo said, out of nowhere.

"Binbo?" Excel staggered. "Where did you come from?"

Binbo just swung his head to the side, taking out the dugout, as well as most of his teammates. "After you graced us with your presence at the beach, I could not sit there to let you venture off."

Excel shrugged. "Whatever. Now about the elephants?"

Binbo shrugged. "Inunabe's been on a losing streak, despite my inherent return. Despite this, however, we've persisted in playing. We were beaten by Sarunabe and Torinabe several times, and Zonabe just happens to be our next competitor."

(A/N: "Tori" Bird, "Saru" Monkey)

Excel glanced at the field as the elephants stole another run. The score was now ∞ to 3, the highest score Inunabe's ever seen. "The teams doesn't seem to be doing pretty well…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" came a scream from the nearby Porta Jon.

Esop, obviously.

"I have no choice!" came the voice of Esop. "I must cast my most powerful curse of all! I put a curse on all the members of the Zonabe team…that whatever score they achieve will be swapped with their competitors at the end of the last inning!"

Excel and Hyatt just stared blankly, as they people they were supposed to be congratulating won by cheating.

Afterward, Pad and Dominic met up with Excel and Hyatt. Well, only Excel really, because Hyatt was suffering from catatonic. Nothing major.

"It seems kinda bad that you won by cheating," Excel said.

"I know what you mean," Dominic said with a huff.

"Hey, it's not like _we_ were the ones who cheated," Pad offered. "The coach just wanted his team to win, we didn't play a part of it."

Excel nodded, with Hyatt slumped on her back, a small trickle of blood coming from her mouth. "I know. And by the way, nice to see you both after all those months of chaotic reconstruction that took place after Across' initial failure."

Pad smiled, widely. "It's great to see you too, Excel. I still hold dear all the things you taught me, like not to give into evil, not to lose honor, and everything else I've learned from…"

Pad noticed, however, that Excel was not paying attention to her, but rather to the more or less lifeless body of Hyatt, trying to resuscitate her back to life.

Pad sighed, before looked sadly at Dominic. "Let's go home." And they vanished without a trace.

Excel revived Hyatt eventually, before noticing that Pad and Dominic were gone. "Pad? Dominic?" she asked. Her voice seemed to dramatically lengthen as she cried out. "Dominic! Pad! Come back! There was still so much I wanted to tell you! So much I wanted to catch up on! Pad! Dominic, please come back!" And she reached out into the heavens.

Hyatt cocked her head. "Did you really want to talk to them?"

Excel shook her head. "No. But it sounded more dramatic that way."

The two of them headed off, glancing at the list to see whom their next target was.

Excel swooned. "Oh boy! It's him!"

I think you can guess who's next… '

Next Characters: Rock God Key

A/N: Well, this sort of came up as it went along. I tuned a few things up afterward, but it all came out pretty well.

Oh, and I determined that Pad was in fact a girl, because she refers to Excel as "One-chan," a trait found exclusively in female characters. Add that to the bra pad, and I'm pretty sure she's female.


	7. Chapter Six

**Excel Saga Fan fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Disclaimer: Does Excel Saga belong to me? Does it belong to anyone. The fine grace of Excel Saga cannot truly be grasped by any mere mortal, not even by Koshi Rikudo.

Rikudo: "But little do you know that I AM GOD!"

…Yeah, well, there's that… '

Chapter Six: J-Rock

The oblique stage was set for music to be heard. The ambiance of unspoken misery and timeless emotion reigned in the bands that played up there. And this one was no worse.

"_Samekiita machii ni wakare wo tsuge_!" came the loud Japanese vocals. "_Nagerekuruu shigeki ni mi wo sarase_!"

Key looked at the band on stage in scorn. He had been long in competition with this particular J-Rock band. And they were stealing _his_ crowd.

"_Chi no ki furuwasu _noise_ de_!" they chanted. "_Omae no kokoro koroshite yaru_!"

Key clenched his fists in a way that only a J-rocker like him could. Oh the contempt! Oh the scorn! Oh, if not for…

"Z_! Kanjite miro… _Z_! Sagende miro…_Z_! Subete nugisutero!"_

Z-Japan, the confounded J-Rock group that haunted Key's nightmares.

(A/N: If you don't know about J-Rock, this is a knock off of an old J-Rock band called "X-Japan," who did some of the music for X/1999)

For another girl, however, the band was the best thing since Il Palazzo.

"Omigosh, these guys are so gorgeous, I'm swooning all over! No! No! I must remain loyal to Il Palazzo! But their brooding angst! Their emotional pain! Their slender sexy bodies! It's all too much for a poor little girl like me!"

Obviously, for the male readers out there, we do not a need any visualization as to what was flowing through the background during Excel's monologue.

"Um…" Hyatt offered, a little light headed. "What do they have to be emotional about? They probably make millions of yen, they have girls throwing themselves at their feet, and they have the love of the crowds of all of Japan. What do they possibly have to be angsty about?"

Excel yammered on about how that wasn't the point to it all, but Hyatt had already fainted due to insufficient air supply in the audience seating (Not that anyone was sitting)

Excel shook her head. "But thankfully, this experience with Z-Japan has put things into perspective for me. Although people from Z-Japan and Rock God Key himself may be undyingly attractive…" chancing a glance at one of the members (Complete with captions declaring his name to be "Kata,"), she so happened to catch the lead vocalist in a particularly revealing position, steaming Excel up all the more so.

(A/N: Kata is a spin off "Pata," the lead singer in X-Japan)

"…And explicitly gorgeous, but anyway!" Excel continued, her face red and smoke practically bleeding from her ears. "However, one must not lose sight of the people that truly matter. Il Palazzo is such a person, and right now, he has given me the assignment of tracking down Rock God Key. So let's sneak in back and…" Excel droned off, before losing herself to the sight of the super bishonen's on stage. "Who am I kidding?"

As steam poured from her nose, her eyes in semblance with little pink hearts, Hyatt revived momentarily enough to questions. "Why did Il Palazzo want him congratulated? As I recall correctly, he didn't seem to favor that fellow."

Excel swirled around a little a she answered. "Well, he originally didn't want to, but after some persuasion from the president of Across, he had to. Turns out the president of Across is a woman. Tee hee…"

Hyatt nodded, and fell unconscious once more.

Key muttered something to himself as Z-Japan played their final song. He was next.

Stepping into the crowds, he let the musicians his agent hired set up their instruments, before getting his guitar ready.

Before he started, however, he noticed a familiar face in the crowd. Waving a screaming and whooping and hollering, Excel stood their looking a deformed as the next chibi in the crowd.

Key smiled. His agent always said he would look better with someone in the crowd up on stage with him. So without further ado, he ventured off stage.

The crowds parted as he stepped off towards Excel. Excel herself felt her heart skip a beat as Key took her hand and said, "Would you care to join me?" with a flick of his hair.

Excel started to steam up, as Key carried her effortlessly on stage.

Meanwhile, far away from the stage, Il Palazzo stared at a TV screen, watching these events taking place.

_What a self-loathing bastard! How dare he put on such airs! I can't believe my boss asked that I incorporate him in my latest mission!_ He thought angrily.

That's when the president of Neo-Across chuckled in her office (Yes, _her_ office)

Back on stage, however, Key gestured to his guest star as she stared beleaguered as the audience applauded.

"Why don't we all give it up for Excel!" he cried. "Let's give her some applause!"

Excel stared, bewildered. "Um…applause? But I didn't do anything yet."

Key nodded to her. "That's right, Excel. Now why don't you sing us something great."

Excel blushed and shied away, tapping her fingers together. "But…in front of all these people?

Key placed his hand on her shoulder. "You can do it, Excel. I have faith in you."

That got Excel going. "Alrighty then!" she screamed. "Let's rock this joint!"

In a single leap, she jumped off stage, grabbed Hyatt, and leaped back on stage.

Unfortunately, Hyatt got airsick.

"Buck up, Hyatt!" she yelled at her. "You can die later, when we don't have an audience!"

Hyatt snapped awake, as the music began playing. They both started dancing as they sang their favorite tune.

"_Sore wa ai janai_!" they sang. "_Ai wa sore janai_!"

And even Key was impressed. (Well, not really). And everyone applauded.

"That was great. Now off the stage."

Excel just tittered. "But…I…uh…"

Key didn't even wait for her, as he began strumming up his guitar. He struck a particularly loud note, sending Excel and Hyatt flying through the air, landing on one of the surrounding flagpoles making a border around the stadium.

"Wow," Excel tittered. "What a blast!"

Hyatt was indeed worse for wear, as the blast had given her a severe concussion, killing her at least three times.

"Severe concussion," the doctor said, as Hyatt lay in a bed in a hospital, still unconscious, with Excel next to him.

"I think we covered that last scene," Excel muttered.

The doctor shook his head. "There's nothing I can do for her. I'm sorry."

Excel shook her head. "Oh, don't worry, she comes to every time this happens."

The doctor began to point out that it as futile to hope, when Excel opened up her arms and said, "Ok, Hyatt. Time to get up."

Minutes passed. Il Palazzo's coo-coo clock went off.

Excel scratched her temple. "Um…Hyatt?"

The doctor held his arms out. "That's what I've been trying to say, miss. This girl is doomed."

Excel shrugged her hand. "Oh, nonsense! She always comes to. Right, Hyatt?"

Hyatt didn't move.

Excel grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. "Hyatt!"

"Ma'am, please, don't do that!" the doctor shouted.

Excel began to shed tears. "Hyatt?"

There she was, lifeless, as she had been many times before. But this time, she wasn't getting back up. Why?

Why?

WHY?

"Because her soul has been lost," came a voice.

Excel flopped about. "Key?"

Key stepped into the medical room, leather strap suit, guitar and all.

"Yes, it is I, the forlorn wanderer. I have come to rejuvenate the princess. Only the sound of the lover's song will restore her."

"Don't you have, like, a concert to get to?"

Key shrugged. "Probably." He began plucking a tune in his guitar, and sang a gentle melody that made Excel cry.

"Wipe your tears from your eyes/Just leave and forget me/No need to be hurt anymore/Go away from me now/ I don't know. What is love/No need to be hurt anymore./You said, "I miss you so much./Every night, thinking of you/and facing loneliness."/But when you feel sadness/never can I stay with you."

Meanwhile, Z-Japan began fumigating. "Hey! That's our song, you dip wad!"

(A/N: Lyrics © X-Japan - "Unfinished.")

However, despite copyright infringement, it worked! Hyatt awoke to find herself in the arms of Key.

"Key…" she muttered.

"Hyatt…" Key replied.

All the while, Excel just stared. "What are those two doing?"

Then it dawned on her.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Excel shouted. "Key and Hyatt have fallen in love! But I wanted to be with him! Now I can never fulfill my most erotic fantasies with the most attractive male icon of all time."

"Wanna get married and have a few kids?" Key asked Hyatt, simply ignoring Excel.

"Sure…" she replied.

"GAHHHHH!" Excel screamed.

"Very well then. Jokes aside, I must bid you farewell," Key said outside the hospital.

"But, don't you have a concert to get to?" Excel asked.

Key shook his head. "If I want to win my fans, I must do it by expressing my heart, not by competing for theirs in a battle of the J-Rock bands. This incident has taught me the value of life, and that I should not indulge my time in competing against others like myself, but establishing my own unique harmony in life."

Z-Japan glared. "That's great, but we still want our song back."

Key shook his head. "That's the music world for you."

Next one the list: The Public Rangers (Minus Misaki) and Kubaba

A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long. I've sorta been losing my interest in Excel Saga, but I still find what it takes.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Excel Saga Fan fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Disclaimer:

Nabeshin: "I own Excel Saga!"

Rikudo Koshi: "No, I own Excel Saga!"

Nabeshin: "No, I own Excel Saga!"

Rikudo Koshi: "No, I own Excel Saga!"

Kraven: (Shrugs) "I think we're still deciding…"

Chapter Seven: Civil Servants.

Kubaba was brooding by his window, about some little mishap that had happen to make his beloved town less than pristine. A door opened, nearly sending him tumbling out the window in surprise.

"Momochi!" He yelled at his eyeless secretary. "Don't scare me like that."

She sighed her apology. "I'm sorry, sir. It's just that these young ladies came by for a meeting."

Gesturing to Excel and Hyatt, Momochi left with a subtly sinister smile.

"By the way," Excel said to the secretary. "Why do you have that wicked expression on your face? I'm afraid to turn my back on you."

Momochi just chuckled. "I know. Makes me wish I was up to something."

Meanwhile, Nabeshin was busy hammering Koshi in the head.

"You made Momochi always seem like she was plotting some sinister scheme, and the whole time, it's just her style?"

Koshi begged for forgiveness. "I just never got around to her uprising, is all!"

Nabeshin clenched his fist. "Well, then, fix it!"

Momochi sighed as the thought she had been waiting for filled her head a-la Koshi.

"Oh, so _that's_ that evil plan I was always formulating. Now to spring my evil scheme."

The three boys, as well as the Roppenmatsu sisters (They were of course androids with common names, but they preferred to be called sisters), were lounging as usual in the sitting room.

"It's not fair!" Watanabe wailed.

"It's your own fault," Iwata accused. "You should have locked the door. That way, Excel wouldn't have busted in and stolen Hyatt from you."

"But I thought she wanted a threesome!" Watanabe declared.

**Get over it**, Sumiyoshi said, a-la dictation.

With Misaki missing, Roppenmatsu and her sister had very little to do, until their internal alarm went off.

"People!" the older Roppenmatsu cried. "We've got trouble!"

The three men doubled around, and all together cried. "Trouble? Then this calls for…"

There was a puff of smoke as the androids rushed to get the long since unused power ranger suits and place them on their bodies.

"The Public Rangers Diaten-Jin!"

A weird colorful banner displaying their titles appeared; only the younger Roppenmatsu was tangled in it.

"Hey, what are you doing?" The older Roppenmatsu asked.

"Wee!" she cried. "This is fun!"

After that got straightened out, the door opened, revealing Excel and a corpse that bore a striking resemblance to Hyatt.

"Excel! Hyatt! You've returned!" declared Iwata and Watanabe. Especially Watanabe.

**Good**, mouthed Sumiyoshi. **We wouldn't have stood half a chance with Misaki gone**.

"Where is Misaki anyway?" Iwata asked, longingly.

"From where I'm standing, I guess she's making love to Nabeshin at this moment," Excel suggested coldly.

Iwata's face went deadpan. "Pedro…forgive me for stealing your line, but…" Iwata went spiraling upward. "Very NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Roppenmatsu (The big purple haired one) clutched him and brought him back down. The younger Roppenmatsu was busy feeling up Excel, with Watanabe watching and getting a severe nosebleed.

"Hey, wait! What are you do…Gah! Hey, don't do that! That's my most private spot! Hey, get your hand out of there! Ooh, stop wiggling your fingers around; you're making it worse! And would you stop grabbing my-"

As the censors finally kick in, a delightfully family friendly scene of a picturesque garden with a gazebo and instruments playing blocked out the profanity.

Afterwards, the pink haired Roppenmatsu licked her lips. "Ah, I never get tired of that."

Excel sort of whimpered. "I've only done it twice, and both times have been with female androids."

Misaki suddenly appeared and slapped away the three guys lusting over the most recent events. Hyatt sort of pointed. "Aren't you supposed to be making love with Nabeshin?"

Misaki was currently dressed in a bathrobe, with her hair tussled in a manner that would convince many individuals that she had indeed been engaged with rigorous lovemaking not seven seconds ago.

"Well, somebody's got to step in and set these boys straight," she said.

Nabeshin peeked out from behind a corner. Only his head was showing, which suggested that he hadn't been so lucky in finding clothes as Misaki had been.

"Dearest, do we have to do this now?" Nabeshin moaned.

Misaki nodded. "Yes. I have an obligation to the mayor and the people. And if you ever call me dearest again, I'll beat the living hell out of you."

Nabeshin nodded and winked. "Got it. I'll be waiting."

Misaki blushed for a microsecond, before transforming into the sixth and final power ranger.

"So what's the emergency?" came a voice. It may have been Roppenmatsu, Excel, Hyatt or Misaki, it didn't really matter. None of them had a clue.

"Then let me enlighten you!" came a thunderous cry.

All eyes stared upon a giant robot in the shape of Momochi, piloted by said secretary.

"Momochi?" every gasped, as though it were a total surprise. "Kababu's most trusted secretary?"

Momochi let out a wicked laugh. "Oh yes, little bugs. Now prepare to be squashed."

She and the rangers duked it out for a few minutes, finding all of their weapons; even their super duper over the top weapons had no effect.

Momochi let out another evil laugh. And then she opened her eyes.

She opened her eyes.

"Alright! Alright! HOLD it!" Excel said, calling all movement to a stop. Whipping out a clipboard, she started pacing.

"It says here in the laws of anime that a person who does not open their eyes within ten seconds of dialogue after their debut appearance, or until the end of the episode therein, then they cannot and will not be capable of opening their eyes at all throughout the remainder of their life, or at least, the anime. Momochi was breaking a crucial law of anime."

Momochi pounded the console. "Darn."

"Secondly," Excel went on, as confused stare followed her. "Since such a robot could only be constructed by Shinichi, and since Shinichi's involvement in this episode is mooted by default, since he was last seen in the last episode, then that robot cannot exist.

Instantly, the robot disappeared, leaving Momochi standing there.

"On a side not, neither can Misaki and Watanabe. Come on! Both of you out!"

Misaki sighed. "Oh well. Back to lovemaking, I guess." And she left, with Iwata crying at her heels.

Watanabe was about to make love with Hyatt on the floor, seeing as though she was dead at the time, when Excel dragged him away.

"Come on, you necro," she said. "Let's go."

Watanabe reached for Hyatt. "Not again! NOOOOO!"

The rest of the gang just stared, as Momochi closed her eyes, and walked away. "I guess it's back to life as a secretary with a creepy expression, yet with no intention whatsoever to do anything so malignant."

Rikudo Koshi received yet another pounding from Nabeshin.

"You idiot!" Nabeshin said. "You should have thought that through!"

Koshi glared back. "What are you complaining about? You get Misaki in bed out of the deal."

Nabeshin smiled. "Good point."

Kababu stepped into the meeting room, followed by the anonymous photographer from the fifth episode. (Ok, so he should have been mentioned earlier, so sue me. ') and saw everything that went on. "What just happened?"

Episode 666,666: Loose Ends

Today's Experiment… Success!… Sort of…

Well, they say all good things must come to an end; the same must apply to the bad things, right?

Well, it's not over yet.

(Listens for groans of torment)

Yep, stay turned for the half page long Epilogue.


	9. Epilogue

**Excel Saga Fan fiction**

**Loose Ends**

By Kraven Ergeist (Formerly known as Draco Delphinus)

Disclaimer:

Nabeshin and Rikudo Koshi shake hands. Having duked it out on multiple occasions, they have come to an agreement.

Nabeshin and Rikudo Koshi together: "We have decided that Excel Saga and all trademarks pertaining to it are property of…"

A pause.

Nabeshin: "Uh…envelope please?"

Rikudo Koshi hands him an envelope

Nabeshin: "What? How can the story belong to the Colombia Record Club? This is ludicrous!"

Koshi: "Well, you could have given it back to me. But noooo, you had to say 'give it' and fight me for it."

Nabeshin: "What's that? You wanna take this outside?"

Rikudo: "Why bother? I'll take you right here."

Nabeshin: "That's it!"

They duke it out some more.

Kraven: "Aye-yi-yi…Well folks, I guess we'll never really know who Excel Saga belongs to. Until next time."

Epilogue.

"Well done, Excel," Il Palazzo said, proudly.

Excel beamed. "Hail! Il Palazzo! It was all in a days work for Excel."

Palazzo grabbed his rope. "And as a reward…"

Excel stuttered just for a moment, until the trap door opened…not beneath her…but beneath Hyatt.

Excel watched as she fell to her doom. "Um…Il Palazzo? You missed."

Il Palazzo stood from his throne. "I know."

Excel looked back down the shaft. "Do you think she'll be alright?"

Il Palazzo began walking towards her. "She'll survive."

Excel saw Il Palazzo step towards her and her heart began to pound. "Um…Il Palazzo? Not that I mistrust your intentions…but…what are you…"

Excel could not utter another word as Il Palazzo swept her off her feet and kissed her.

A million things flew through Excel's mind. The most desirable man in the world to her was holding her and kissing her. This was impossible! She had wanted this to happen throughout her employment, and yet now, it seemed too good to be true.

"I hope this does not interfere with our…professional relationship…" said Il Palazzo darkly.

Excel was shaking and inhaling desperately for air. All she could do was utter a meek "yeah" before Il Palazzo began to devour her lips again.

Excel sighed, letting the man she loved please her.

Then she woke up.

"GAHHHHHH!" Excel screamed. "IT WAS ALL A DREAM?"

Pedro et al – "But what about us?"

Draco – "Sorry, you were in the last episode, so you don't get to appear in the fic."

Pedro et al – "All we got to do was say "We're ok," and that was it!"

Draco (Shrugs) – "That's just the way it is."

Pedro et al – "The whole family together now: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The End


End file.
